Could I have Missed Signs that my Son has Autism?
There’s a question I want to ask, that I need to find out the answer – but not sure I can. I don’t know whether it will do more harm than good. See thing is I believe there’s a strong possibility that my child have Autism. Sadly the only reason I opened my eyes to notice is when his behaviour suddenly went out of control. No one had mentioned Autism with this particular son before this point (he is almost a teenager) and now those mentions of it feel like they are being swept under the carpet: I was then told that “everyone has Autism in some shape or form!”
Frogs and Snails and Puppy dog’s Tails
Looking back now though it falls into place, and I can’t believe that I was too wrapped up in my other children’s additional needs that I could have missed the signs. When did he start fiddling? Making sounds? Clicking his fingers? Did he always not like changes of routine? Not being prepared? Has he always been awkward because things have been irritating him (clothes/heat/smells etc)? Is he not actually being rude but doesn’t know how to handle his emotions/know what to say? He never really did have a group of friends – well not until he got in with the wrong crowd and started behaving inappropriately. I always felt he was just trying to get attention (his oldest and youngest siblings having special needs). I feel awful that sometimes I just thought he was being “just a boy” and misbehaving: Like spoiling surprises, saying the wrong thing.
But now I have opened my heart to compassion and am trying to stop and listen to what his behaviour has being showing me. I feel unbelievably guilty and now feel I can’t do anything about it – as the blame for his behaviour has heavily been pointed at me. We are not talking other parents in the playground, or some health visitor suggesting I need a parenting course. No. This blame has come from my own child. A statement he made that I can only assume was to keep him out of trouble. Words said that almost destroyed me, and took all my children from me. Questioned as to whether The Sensory Seeker is actually only that way due to the environment that I have brought him up in (thank goodness I had someone to leap to my defence and say it is not!).
Where do I go from here? With the finger of suspicion firmly still pointing in my direction? The more I try to justify my son’s behaviour in terms of Autism the more I feel that I am just trying to excuse my rubbish parenting – why I have a child who has not been behaving as they should. I am still waiting to go on the parenting course – holding on to the hope that it is me after all, because wouldn’t that be easier.
I take a risk with this post, I know I do. He might see it. They might see it. But I can’t cope with all of this on my own any more. I guess this post isn’t even helpful because I haven’t even put down my concerns. But I suppose it is a question of whether we just carry on or whether I should push to find out one way or the other. I suppose the other thing is whether I am really convinced that I may have Asperger’s or not – because again that would certainly back up how easy it is to miss the signs, but then I am a girl.